In 2006, Siyan Bradley’s mother, Renee, was murdered by her estranged boyfriend. Their relationship had never been physically abusive, but Siyan had seen signs that it was unhealthy. In the years since her death, he has helped others recognize warning signs of potentially abusive relationships, including through his current role as president of the Board of Trustees of Women Aware in Middlesex County.
We’ve both seen how much of the work to support survivors and prevent domestic violence is led by women. We’ve also come to share a concern: There aren’t enough men in this conversation.
Men have a distinct role to play in prevention. We can influence other men, particularly within the social circles where attitudes toward relationships and acceptable behavior take shape. Research shows that male peers can help challenge attitudes and behaviors that contribute to violence. That’s why engaging men and boys as allies and empowering bystanders are among the CDC’s recommended approaches for preventing intimate partner violence.
Studies of Coaching Boys Into Men, a national program that uses high school athletics to promote healthy relationships and bystander intervention, have found that participants were more willing and confident in speaking up when they witnessed harmful behavior. Participants with greater intentions to intervene were 40% less likely to perpetrate teen dating violence.
The stakes are clear in New Jersey, where law enforcement agencies reported more than 70,000 domestic violence incidents in 2023, with children involved or present in nearly 17,000 of them. While domestic violence can affect anyone, regardless of gender, preventing it requires more than responding after violence occurs. It also requires creating communities where abusive and controlling behavior is recognized and rejected before it escalates.
That doesn’t mean appointing ourselves protectors of women or confronting someone in a potentially dangerous situation. It means recognizing the influence we have within our own circles.
We can push back when a friend makes a degrading comment about his partner rather than staying quiet. We can take controlling or threatening behavior seriously, check in when something doesn’t seem right, and learn how to respond safely when we’re concerned about abuse.
Speaking up isn’t always easy. A national study found that only half of Americans who knew someone who had experienced intimate partner violence had intervened, with barriers including fear of injury, fear of misinterpreting the situation, and a belief that domestic violence is a private matter.
A smaller study of men already involved in anti-violence advocacy found that only 26% consistently intervened when confronted with exploitative, offensive, or inappropriate behavior by other men. Even among men already committed to this work, intervention can be difficult.
If we want more men to speak up, addressing those barriers is part of the work. Men need to know how to respond safely when they see concerning behavior and where to turn when they aren’t sure what to do.
The goal shouldn’t be to shame men into participating. It should be to make speaking up, seeking guidance, and challenging harmful behavior a more normal part of what men expect from one another.
For Siyan, the consequences of domestic violence will always be personal. He knows what it can take from a family because it took his mother. But a man shouldn’t have to lose his mother, sister, daughter, friend, or anyone else he loves before deciding that domestic violence concerns him.
It already does. The question for men across New Jersey is what we’re willing to do about it.
Siyan Bradley is president of the Board of Trustees of Women Aware, the state-designated lead domestic violence agency for Middlesex County. Jeff Booker, a former Sea Bright councilman, is a member of the Board of Trustees of 180 Turning Lives Around, which provides domestic violence, sexual assault, and youth crisis services in New Jersey.
